It’s been months I know and I have got on my own case about writing but my life has been a roller coaster since August…
On July 28th I found out one of the most life changing truths I could come upon… Seeing a positive sign on a pregnancy test.
I thought my heart fell out my butt as I instantly felt this shock wave come over me. For a moment, all I could do was study this little stick in all angles to make sure I wasn’t seeing things, but yep this was real life. I’m pregnant. Life was beginning to form within my womb…
THIS IS INSANE!!
The night before I went to the bathroom and noticed some spotting.. just when I thought my monthly cycle was upon me I heard the Lord say,
To make sure I wasn’t just thinking I heard that, I checked my cycle calendar (highly suggest getting an app that helps you do this it does wonders for preparation in traveling and things) and sure enough I wasn’t supposed to start till three days later..
and then I heard Him say it again.. “You’re pregnant.”
those words continued to ring in my spirit the whole night.. until the morning when I was able to take a physical test.
When I found out for sure I prayed with my best friend whom came over to be with me to take this test so I wouldn’t freak out alone ha. -I wanted to surprise my husband with one of those cute pregnancy reveals pinterest had to offer.. that’s why he wasn’t the one with me-
I had read a book that had my confidence in being pregnant solid. I wasn’t so much afraid of what would go on inside me and even thinking about labor or delivery. I was more nervous about the idea that I was going to be a mom..
To be more vulnerable.. I probably have the least amount of patience with kids. I mean they’re adorable, and full of life and joy etc. But when they’re screaming about wanting a toy in the store, start babbling super loud in church service, get attitude when they’re still below 3ft…. they just don’t have that grace from me… cause I’ll get some ‘tude right back! 😂
it sounds terrible I know, but they just get on a girl’s nerves. phew I said it, I feel better.
There are two handfuls of kids that I have no problem with as they have supernaturally entered my grace for children zone-it is a small one- but other than that I just don’t volunteer for children activities to save your kids and myself 😅
But here I am about to become a mother myself in 4 months! -currently I am 5 1/2 months-
All these things went through my mind.. and then the first trimester surprises hit.. the nauseous feeling when it came to foods, or any smell that I just couldn’t take… which brought not eating much, going through my first migraine -lasted four hours I wanted to pistol whip that migraine- and other uncomfortable physical, mental and emotional symptoms.
When I found out I was growing a human I was thinking I wouldn’t get hit with these at all, as I believed in this being a supernatural pregnancy and thinking such, to me it meant skating free from icky symptoms..
Well I didn’t skate free ha. I didn’t skate at all I felt like I had been completely muted to God for a moment.. Pain would come before this pregnancy or sickness and all I would have to do was command it to go in the name of Jesus and it went. No problem. But this time my prayers didn’t seem to do that instantaneous miracle. And going through the pain seemed like I was doing something wrong.
But I wasn’t.
I felt things I’ve never felt before during those first 3 months.. I even wanted to quit several times.. the stretching was too much for me to handle.
It was still summer, but to me I was experiencing a spiritual winter.. and I LOVE winter! But this was something that I thought I wasn’t prepared for. During one of these moments -as they were mostly moments because I did have joy still- my husband encouraged me.. asking me what people did during winter and proceeded to say they got closer to the fire and people they love. Intimacy became tighter..
All I kept thinking about was the fire as I felt that’s what I was in but then the trio of famous guys came to mind and brought new perspective. .
Meshach, Shaderach, and Abendego.
If anyone knows about fire it’s them.. in Daniel 3 their story of fire came to life for me more than it had before. . .
These guys were in Nebuchadnezzar’s kingdom and this King wanted everyone to worship this false idol he had created, but this trio wasn’t having it. They refused to bow to anything other than God.
When Nebuchadnezzar found this out he summoned for them and made them one last offer while threatening them with the burning furnace should they decline to worship his idol:
“If you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?”
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king.
BUT EVEN IF HE DOES NOT, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you set up.” Daniel 3: 15-18
Boldly they stood their ground and then made that epic remark “even if he does not.”
Even if He doesn’t.
Their fire they faced was very real and it would cost them their life.. my “fire” I felt was just a season of 3 1/2 months.🙈
They were about to die and still said they chose God regardless if He were to save them or not. Whether He showed up in their now or not. Whether He decided to rescue them from their biggest trial. Whether or not He decided to come reveal His amazing Glory for all the world to see by saving them BEFORE the fire….
He chose to show up IN the fire.
Their story goes on to say that the king ordered the furnace to be turned up 7 times hotter than normal, it was so hot that the soldiers who were called to take the three men and throw them in the furnace were killed from the flames. Meshach, Shaderach, and Abendego were firmly tied up as they fell into the furnace. Meanwhile, Nebuchadnezzar was steadily watching the furnace and suddenly leaped to his feet and asked his council, “Weren’t there three men that were tied up and thrown into the fire?” of course they replied, “yes” and that’s when the king freaked out…
“LOOK! I see FOUR men walking around in the fire unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like the son of the gods!”
Can you imagine facing death and counting on God to rescue you before you even hit the fire and He doesn’t show up?? There would be room for doubt to creep in and strip you from your faith -but these guys chose to trust God in and out of the rescue and the follow through because to them there was no other option, they loved Him.-
In those first few months, I felt abandoned, alone, uncomfortable, and a thousand other things but in the middle of them I got to switch my perspective and allow myself to feel Abba with me in my fire. To be able to stand up and walk freely in it, unbound by negativity especially doubt, unharmed spiritually or mentally.. but I had constant help.
I couldn’t do it on my own because thoughts and emotions would arise that tried to steal this new found love and trust I had for My heavenly father, and that’s what spiritual winters look like.
They cause you to get closer to the ones and one who loves you and chooses you. To champion you in moments of weakness and to propel you into greater faith.
I could cry just remembering how I felt and how Abba showed up for me when I thought He wasn’t even aware of me. I thought if He showed up before the fire that’s when His glory would be revealed the most…
But IN the fire, and still choosing to be close to Him and with Him?
Regardless if I was experiencing things I didn’t want to, uncomfortable or not.. THAT is the real glory.
To still CHOOSE Him even if He doesn’t pop up like a genie as I thought He should..
God has a whole other view of things, and the way He chooses to reveal Himself are not just a benefit for you.. but for EVERYONE around you..
King Nebuchadnezzar was dumbfounded and excited at the same time when he seen the men walking around in the furnace, he called at once for them to be taken out and when they were He wanted to worship their God.
God showed up at the perfect time. And He ALWAYS does.
If you’re in a trial, having a spiritual winter, feel like giving up, etc..
Shake it off and strengthen your faith Girl! He is a GOOD GOOD Father, remind yourself of all He’s done… the price He paid for your life should already be enough and from that place you get to choose to worship and trust Him EVEN IF HE DOESN’T show up the way you think He should or would.. 😉
Father good goodness you continue to blow me away. The love you have for me will never be understood this side of heaven, because its too vast to comprehend but I thank you for it still. And thank you for being you and doing things the way you do them. Thank you for being in the fire experiencing all this with me. I will continue to choose you even if you don’t because I know you promised to always be with me even if I cannot see. . I love you Abba I pray that every child of yours reading this would be injected with greater faith and stability in their walk with you and revelation of just how much you’re in this life with them.. Thank you again, in Jesus name amen
Loving you ya fierce faith having beauty,
Tanisha Poni 💜
-now my heart is not to impart fear to those of you who have yet to become pregnant this is just my journey and I think it’s a beautiful experience 😉 a supernatural pregnancy doesn’t mean it’s exempt of certain physical aspects it means you could stand upon promises Abba has given and declare and proclaim His goodness over yourself and baby 😁-