Ya know.. If you kept a garden, the flowers and crops would become a wild animal’s gold mine right?
You protected your garden by setting up a fence. Fences don’t allow pesky critters in to ruin what’s valuable to you.
Is this a DIY on how to garden properly? No.
This is about the importance of setting up proper BOUNDARIES in your relationships.
For those who don’t know what boundaries are here’s a definition:
“Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards him or her and how they will respond when someone steps past those limits.” -thanks google
Now that you know what a boundary is, let’s talk about the importance of having them:
A lot of people have a hard time getting the word “NO” out of their mouths. Probably because they fear what the person on the other end of that “No” would think/feel should they receive it.
I understand the whole, “I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings” card perfectly..
BUT hurting your own feelings in return just to satisfy someone else is unhealthy. No boundaries.
Saying “No” to someone could be viewed as saying “YES” To yourself.
What are we doing walking around all day just saying yes or no?
You don’t have to verbally state the yes or no this is what it could look like:
Say someone calls you -who constantly calls when they’re in a rut- to ask for your advice once again.. has never even used your advice before but they feel better throwing up all over you because you feel “safe”.. What do you do?
You listen to the venting and pour out wisdom for their situation.. Only to see it not be used again.. Causing anger and resentment in giving out more advice. Which obviously robs you of your peace and makes it uneasy to keep your grace and love on for this person.
Letting that person know how you feel about these calls with them. That you care about your relationship and because of that you will not give them advice anymore because it becomes draining for you. In other terms, you’re protecting your connection with them.
Boundaries help you stay connected with someone. If you walk around boundary-less you are teaching people that they could walk all over your life (garden) and take what they please when it’s convenient for them. Causing you to eventually dislike them and not want them around period.
Setting boundaries isn’t SELFISH. A lot of people are afraid it will come off as if they don’t care about the person they’re setting them up with and this is UNTRUE!
You’re being self AWARE. Making sure you’re taking care of you, your alone time, your family, your marriage, etc.
People will respect you more because of your no. (obviously it would be done in love not in a rampage)
Let me tell you a little secret… You’re going to hurt people’s feelings. It’s life. You weren’t made to please everyone remember??? -reference my post “that please isn’t pretty” –
It’s not about everyone else 100% of the time.. Do you ever stop and ponder What YOU want?
Don’t hear what I’m not saying.. I’m not saying, “bah whizzers on everyone in your life just worry about yourself and what you wanna do..don’t help anyone!”
I’m saying tell the truth– if you don’t want to don’t say yes!- And remember to have healthy limits in your relationships.
Everyone can’t hold the same place in your life or else it would be one crammed up garden.. There’s certain flowers or plants you can’t put close together because the roots of one plant could destroy the other from growing.
I’m married.. So if I put people in the same close knit area as my husband he would probably feel like he’s just like everyone else with no special category. And I would feel like he’s just being sensitive.. Only because I didn’t set up boundaries to protect our alone time or intimacy therefore robbing me of knowing that and him from the benefits of it.
On date nights, he is the only person I engage with. My phone isn’t constantly out having me converse with other people or going on social media binges.. My boundary on date night is to have no interruptions -unless by some EMERGENCY– I don’t answer texts right away, nor answer the phone should it ring. I have set up a fence around my connection with my husband.
Now if someone said, “hey I really need you right now can I come over your house to talk?” Whilst out on a date night I would let them know they couldn’t.. Because of being on my date night.. But, I would gladly talk to them when it is over. Saying no to them means saying yes to my husband and our connection. In turn showing him he holds a special place on my priority list no matter what else comes up or along the way. And that person knows they’re important to me but, at the moment my husband is most important.
I can feel some of you are gasping lol because you probably haven’t set up boundaries.. Trust me I am not a mean careless person. I just happen to have respect and honor for myself and my valuables.
-Obviously this doesn’t just apply to marriage but you should catch the drift. –
How do I know if I don’t have healthy boundaries?
One sure way that hints at needing some fencing up is if you find your relationship with one person having the power to effect your relationship with another person:
If I had a friend who happened to stab me in the back I would be angry, hurt, etc. If I brought that junk into my marriage and took it out on my husband.. THAT would signal not having proper emotional boundaries being set up with that friend. -not saying you can’t cry to your husband.. Lol just saying he isn’t the punching bag of your life’s issues.-
If that same situation happened I would know I had proper boundaries if I simply let my husband know what happened and to pray for me.. I wouldn’t allow it to rob my husband from experiencing me in my joyful, loving ways. -slamming things around the kitchen as you prepare dinner because of the issue with your friend is probably not what your husband wants to come home too.. Especially if he didn’t do anything wrong hah.-
Boundaries let people know what is important to you and what you are allowing them to do.
What you allow will continue to go on.
If someone constantly steals from your wallet because the first time you said, “oh it’s ok” and the second time you pretended to not notice.. It’s on your hands. Not the thief’s.
Gasp! Tanisha it is their fault they’re the one with the klepto problem!
No sweetheart.. It’s your mistake in not being assertive enough in letting them know what’s in your possession is YOURS and no one else’s. Yea.. Sorry. 🙈
Your life won’t be all rules and regulations with these trust me.. Gardens bloom and prosper greatly to their potential with being protected well.
Jesus had boundaries. Yes, Jesus.
He only had 12 disciples.. Out of MANY people that followed him.
Out of those 12 He only allowed 3 closest to Him.. Peter, James and John. -Mark 5:35-37 Jesus only allowed these three men with him to raise the dead.
The closest out of the 3 was John. -John 13:23 at the last supper John was at Jesus’ chest. Being the closest to Him.
As you read the gospels you see the other different boundaries Jesus demonstrates even in ministry.
So let’s take it back to you:
What areas or with whom have you not set up boundaries?
Who has access to your innermost treasures that should probably be given the upgrade of being just outside your garden limit? (They can still view the flowers just can’t touch or smell em as strong hah)
Do you find yourself fighting to say ‘no’ but end up saying ‘yes’ ?
Think about it..
If you notice you are in need of a more protected ‘garden’ .. Ya better start mapping out the boundaries girl! Make sure saying yes to someone or something else doesn’t mean saying no to yourself 😊
Papa, thank you for the ability to set up boundaries and limits within our relationships in life. Thank you that we don’t have to over explain ourselves or make excuses to simply decline an offer, invitation or “urgency” I pray the lie of being selfish in this would be cut off. That we would be self aware and taking notice in what we need and making sure we take responsibility with ourselves. Help us to protect our relationships and for those of us who have trouble getting started I pray you would give us words to speak in bringing up new boundaries. Thank you Abba for your love in Jesus name, amen.
Tanisha Poni 💜
Ps. The people who really want to be in your life will respect your boundaries no matter what 😉